ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

this journal is now screened for privacy purposes. most entries are friends-only.

Writer's Block: Background players

haha, okay. a bit of backstory. we watch a LOOOOOOOT of food network here, so when Next Iron Chef: Super Chefs (Food Network hosts are competing to be the next Iron Chef instead of real chefs) started airing we all basically died because it was made of awesome. (and a bit lame, but it's still awesome.) The guy in this picture is Geoffrey Zakarian, one of the biggest asshat judges on Food Network and we make sooooooooooo much fun of him on his other shows. He's like our villain of Super Chefs. ANYWAY.

During the first episode, the challenge was an outdoor grilling competition. ("heat & meat" which is a terrible name, Food Network hire me to write better names for things for you guys!) Well, when he goes up to present his food, Zakarian starts telling the judges he's great with fire because... wait for it... he has "four fireplaces" in his fancy NYC apartment while being all Mister Smug Smiley and I died for a second time, from the laughter.  

and then this picture was posted the next day on Food Network Humor (yep, there's a blog solely for the mockery of an entire television channel) and I knew... it was fate. hahahaha. Love this so much. THIS FUCKER IS SO FUCKING SMUG I just want to punch him every time I see his face, but this makes me laugh instead. 

What is your computer wallpaper right now?

baking with the mentally unstable

1 box white cake mix
3 egg whites
1 1\4 cup water
1\3 cup oil

First add the mix. Crack first egg, add. Crack second egg, add. Crack third egg, realize you've dumped the yolks into the bowl and the whites down the sink. Set third egg aside, try to scoop egg yolks out of batter, badly. Crack another two eggs and combine whites.

Go for a measuring cup. Can't find them. Use measuring scoops. Two 1/2 and one 1/4 scoops. Add THREE 1/2 scoops of water. Try to scoop out 1/4 cup of water using the the 1/4 cup scoop. Add 1/3 a cup of oil without issue.

MIX UNTIL COMBINED! Except, the consistency is wrong. Because there's a deadline for this cake being made and there isn't time to make a second cake if this one bakes badly, set the batter aside to bake later, and start over.

Combine 3 eggs, 1 1/4 cup of water, 1/3 cup oil, and cake mix in bowl. Grease 13x9 cake pan.

Realize you greased the cake pan with dish soap.

Smack yourself in the face, three or four times. Wash the cake pan, dry the cake pan, oil the cake pan. With oil.
Bake at 350° degrees until the oven timer goes off. Smack yourself in the face again.
What is your favorite opening line of a book, and why?

"When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house, I had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman, and a ride home."

S.E. Hinton - The Outsiders

things that are on my mind this afternoon

the tree
casual elegance
that mysterious buzzing noise
sleep deprivation chambers
the ocean
feta cheese 


and it's contagious


a dreamy song. the words won't come, so i listen and watch.

Mar. 26th, 2010

My dear friend,
I am changing my name to Willibard J. Montcrief, growing a moustache, and running away to somewhere exciting and exotic with a beautiful woman. I do not know when I will return, so please pick up my dry-cleaning for me whilst I am away. Also, someone needs to let the cat out. I have left a note for the milkman, so that he may leave all bottles of milk uncapped on my doorstep henceforth (so that the cat may drink them, obviously). Of course, you could keep the cat if you'd like, but remember - she may or may not be rabid.

Lastly, could you please send my finest hat to the address at the back of this postcard? It would seem in the shuffle of leaving so hurriedly, I forgot to pack it.

Thank you, Henrietta. The birds are flying NORTH by NORTHWEST.
If any of you like bluegrass music, I want you to take a moment to pick one of the songs below and just listen.

"New Slang" (The Shins cover)

"Ocean Breathes Salty" (Modest Mouse cover)

"Float On" (Modest Mouse cover) - this is probably my favorite.

Somewhere, it's springtime. There's a hill overlooking a field of overgrown grass, and the wind is blowing through. It's sunny, and I'm sitting underneath a big tree on a ratty old blanket, singing.

What are you listening to these days?
Kurt Vonnegut. He was Geraldo Rivera's father-in-law.

Maybe my brain is still loopy from H1N1, but somehow... that doesn't seem like it could possibly be any funnier.
Not just unfortunate prime-time sitcom laugh track funny.
It's "Ow, my side hurts, that mustache oh my god" funny.



are you?

Because Edgar Allen Poe and Christopher Walken make my geeky knees weak.
Happy Halloween!

a community with a passion for learning


After reading this, I went down to the school to withdraw my children, to homeschool them myself. Filled completely with a sense of self-righteous intellectual outrage. And the school's all, "Ma'am, you don't have any children enrolled in this school."

You're goddamn right I don't!

Okay, so I don't have any kids, and I didn't verbally assault a receptionist over this. But I have definitely considered moving from Cobb County now. I had heard stories of such a sticker! Legends from the shores of the old world! But to see it with mine own eyes... is to facepalm.

Dragon*Con update, later! Now it's time for some overdue housecleaning.
She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon. You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood.

She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here.


mama pajama


November 2011
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